surprise, surprise.

that maybe it was me. that it is me. not you. as much as i refuse to acknowledge it.

i. am. growing. teeth.

no lah not that. even though thats probably true cos i keep wanting to bite stuff.

truth is, i am a sucker for power. i hate not being in the know, i hate wondering and i hate hate hate whatever im feeling now! its like a replay of some sort and that dread just overwhelms me. im about to shut down. about to run away. except, of cos, i just read that running away doesnt just leave the bad stuff behind. but im not abt to weigh wad im gonna lose if im to stay this disgruntled for the next few days.

urghhh.

"u cant see ur ex-boyfriend just out of the blue without a little extra dazzle."

running away doesnt only leave the bad things behind.

the curb.

i dont think i ever told this to anyone. the first recollection of a created memory. when i was seven. or not even. a closure i either made for myself or he did. a nicely spun warm story that kept that then little heart of mine safe from harm. and as i related it as though it was real, a friend pointed out that it was not. i was surprised how he could have come to know a truth truer than mine. and it was only minutes later that i came to terms that he was probably right. i wasn't in the car.

yikes.

i am feeling absolutely restless and i have been for the past day at least. i had something i really wanted to blog about but i forgot it the moment i signed into blogger.

im all alone at home it's depressing. i thought the family was peacefully sleeping away for the house was dark. i crept in, not daring to light the living room but alas even my mom's not home. it's a wednesday! not a weekend. it seems im the only one without a life.

ive decided i do like disturbing people.

ive decided to update.

红色风暴 on channel 52 featured my fave 大柄 so i decided i would not channel surf. they got chinese opera singers to comment on his drag.

his response in my words: "well i guess we have very different concepts of my dragging act. the essence of dragging, to me, is in the knowledge that the performer on stage is a man." now guess why he's my fave.

---

so ive been having a few days of nightmares. maybe a result of sleepin too much. but i had a sweet dream today. shoppin at this brand of a dept store called reher. weird. but nice stuff. hahaa with pple i kind of miss.

---

i tried not to throw up. i did. but i really think you dont reflect. youre simply nauseating.

of things lost and experiences gained.

with every failure comes a lesson learnt.
but to what extent should u let these lessons not be a hindrance n obstacle to your future?

i feel horrible.

i am horrible.
i feel horrible.

ahhh. i just cancelled on someone last minute. i feel horrible. it's one of the few things that will haunt me for a long time to come. one of those things that dig a hole in ur heart n leave it empty. n u'll feel it everytime something similar comes along. one of those dreadful things that is as dreadful as wad i just did.

yikes.

yikes. im getting the butterflies. got the butterflies yest and now im getting it. actually been having it for most of the day! tmr's a big day for me.

im happy. =)

a mixture of feelings.

i was actually sad when i filled in the knock-off time for the last session i met The Happy Puppetry Company. not because i'm officially jobless, but i just felt lost. we hung out so much everyday for so many days in a row, having all our meals together, gossiping, grumbling, toilet-ing even.. and just suddenly i have to make do without them.

the airport was the same when we reached to send them off. nothing looked different. except them. from strangers to acquaintances to friends. from the second i was told to recognise them by myself and i identified them correctly, went up to say hi and slowly broke the ice, it was time to send them off already. corny as it might sound, it really felt like yesterday i received them. and seconds ago when i sent them off.

小柯，小世，thanks for all the joy you've brought me over the past few days. im sure you've read what i wrote in the postcards!

---

on another note, it's cool that even after analysing te situation im still able to live so simply. two more weeks it shall be.

---

i felt like a good friend. =) not super close that i know all her friends, but good enough to be able to mingle fine between both groups and to help out. and be there for her, not for the sake of being there.

---

im writing in chunks. so incoherent.

---

well since jeza darling introed me to this chinese input website, im gonna type some chinese!

here goes.

回顾昨日爱亦深
心酸绕魂钻人泪
期盼明天情愈稠
美忆渗思给众乐

translation:
remembering the love of yesterday
the pains that recur bring tears.
hoping the friendship of tomorrow
the sweet memories that form will make us smile.

p/s:
written with an innocent heart
that sought to wrap up things nicely.
but i guess like ive said before,
times pass and people change.
things unravel themselves
and capture people unawares.

though it doesnt reflect the truth now
i guess i did write it before.
mention worthy.

---

on a happier note, i cant be more contented with my present life.

it was a trip to the zoo with po after so many months of no zoo. or years. pics will only be up after old po gets the time to upload. no hurry though. and im not saying this because po's good with photoshop and can make me look horrendous before she sends the pictures over. anw my lions were feelin lazy so there werent good shots of them but we took tonnes of her white tigers.

then it was fir n ayda time!! after how long huh. but it was gooood. some stuff you're in danger of leakin leaks. and i dont have to safeguard certain stuff. n we talked of some people who intentionally leak stuff, to gain attention. sad case eh?

javen's birthday at sakae sushi! nice food great company. i really really have the sweetest friends i hope i deserve them. lin yen to pr javen, von to settle cake, zs n na to buy gifts. n when i felt so guilty i did nothing zs went "we know u were busy with arts fest." =)) where on earth do u find such friends?? it wasnt as if the rest were all free. i'll try to be a better friend! pics will be up after yen uploads too.

and really. a sunflower made my day. =) the friends i have make me smile every minute every second everyday.

i live for adrenalin.

i was just thinkin'. :)

that maybe love is like sex.
sweet..
exciting..
makes you anticipate.
and you want so much to have it.
and it comes..
and it's good.
but it's draining.
and you're tired.
and then it's over.
and you need a break.
but you still pine for it after awhile.
'cos the feelin's good.

::yesterday::

im living the sweetest dreams.

another day in heaven. it's real. =) the simple joy and bliss that i am submerged in everyday. sometimes i wonder how i manage to live so many perfect one-days. and im grateful for all who has a part in making my perfect life so wonderful for me. and today it was xiao ke, xiao shi, ben, na, aud, wanfen, ali, po. and all the waitresses and taxi drivers and everyone.

the feeling of contentment is strange. its like you're full..and you dont need anymore. but more just come, and amazingly you're able to take it all in. i dont need more, but more's fine. i'm past that "if more means difference, i'm rejecting it" stage. =)=)

chilled out at mcCafe and the bridgers, please know youre missed. not really lepak session, but near enough. a conversation revealed that im not exactly the short n sweet person i thought i was. no, im still physically it, but not writing- and expression-wise. so many things affirmed my then belief..when people read my essays, when bro james said i could say all that's descriptive of lzr in one testimonial. but im not really that eh. how i take sentences n sentences and pictures n pictures to illustate wad im thinking. it's nothing to be ashamed of, of cos. it's just that i forgot everything's relative. in a world of intricate designs i am minimalist. but i could look a sculptor in a plasticine class.

and isnt it strange how we learn? how i, the IT idiot, have come to be able to tweak my blogskins, for example. starting out with the template, copying someone else's on blogskins.com, then editing, and finally creating my own language, differing from others' even in the simplest commands. is this a standard procedure?

::today::

woke up an hour after my alarm rang. but just three trips to and fro my mum's room and mine got me the clothes i wore to work. which was..a disgusting faded black polo tee. and the pro-camfis capris. forgot my cap so the hair was pokin in all directions. but anw i rushed to work and enjoyed myself tonnes. which made me wonder again abt my career path.

an sms came in last night from a fren who has trust enough in me to require my help for a show. and i agreed almost immediately. i hope the schedule and all fits. and im thinkin again. that maybe i would want to live the struggling artiste life. xiao ke and xiao shi were telling me what theyve been through and what others are going thru in their country. and i feel..it aint that bad after all. it's just relative. i dont know. i really miss that kinda life. the rushing for days on end not remembering why you're slogging but missing it for months afterwards.

oh. and i love life now. its really, really satisfying when you do just what you want to, and people recognise your efforts. and they feel you're capable and they want you to work on the next show. =) and they grumble to you how the rest are inefficient and incompetent. and you feel you've been through it before and those people dont know what the things they're not doing mean to you. because you just love what you're doing.

i love life.

and i love that tension in life.
the pushin of boundaries
the borderin on crossing
the anticipation
the triggers
the exciting
the wanting
to know.

the disappointment
the satisfaction
the want to impress
the thirst to progress
the pining
the thinking
of you.

quote of the day from the louser loved:
"since uve shown ur worst, theres only the better left."

reluctance.

life felt like it had never been better. i was living in pure bliss and joy and simplicity everyday. even with the token bad incidents i felt i was living the perfect life. and im reluctant to say it's over. it's almost as if the magic would go away once i start feeling upset. i thought it did go away for two days when i felt rotten for those few moments. but i realised, just, that the happiness and contentment that i feel stem from the belief in those feelings. i dont feel a lack, i dont feel the need. i just feel that things are perfect as they are. for the past few days, i felt that i wanted them to stay. to not progress or deteriorate..to remain perfect. it was my reluctance to let go of this feeling. but just as im typing this, ive come to accept that this reluctance is indeed the very root of the destruction.

was walking towards the mrt station from tuition just now when i saw rozy. my goodness me. it was a surprise for both of us. i joined she n valane for dinner, and i hope i wasnt a nuisance. lane said something that might just be right. i havent thought abt things that way though. whether it's a form of recipocration. she didnt put it this way, but this is the gist. ive been feeling so happy the past few days and i attributed the feeling to you. and for a few moments i wanted the happiness that you feel to come from me. i dont know if it's just because i feel totally useless when i cant do anything for pple who have made me feel better, or whether i want to return the 'favour'. i dont even know if there's a difference between the two. but i figure that it doesnt matter. as long as you are happy. isnt it?

"the problem is not his. it is mine. i just have to get past myself first before i can do something."

im elmo!

You Are Elmo

Sweet and innocent, you expect everyone to adore you. And they usually do! You are usually feeling: Talkative. You've got tons of stories to tell. And when you aren't talking, you're laughing. You are famous for: Being popular, though no one knows why. Middle aged women especially like you. How you life your life: With an open heart. "Elmo loves you!"

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

i feel very happy.

despite the lack of sleep, i was in my best mood yesterday. all smiles and happy thoughts. woke up smiling, gave one fierce tuition n one happy one with a short walk afterwards with my fave student talking about comics and tenji.

got my haircut! i love having my hair cut. the miracle of seeing long strands of hair fallin off onto the strange ticklish thing hairdressers make u wear, not knowing u grew it out so long already. marvelling at how ur hair looks alive again with less weight and feeling all new n refreshed. would have procrastinated again if po didnt book the appointment, bring me down herself n sat there waiting. thanks po. plus the hairdresser was cute.

anyway. rushed to buy flowers n cabbed down to esplanade thinkin id treat po to a musical in which i know the director n most of the cast personally, i was to be disappointed by the full house notice. which is a good thing really. for the performers =). dinner at glutton square n saw a lovely shanghainese baby! if only i had a camera. those curious eyes and that innocent sincere smile. ayda n i sent po off n went shop-a-holing with ayda claiming three good buys. rushed back to give the dearies hugs and flowers - i know u did a good job guys! love. dwayne, e, fir, fads, lane, trey, anjana, shiying, ..!

matched the relaxing mood of chillin out at a coffee joint with the excitement of worldcup at bugis, makin silly bets with ayda and reading i.s. during halftime. i love my life.

but the throat gave a prob again, maybe like ayda said- it's the cold. but i couldnt utter a single word this morning n i threw a tantrum cos i was really scared. i made gurgling noises n signed frantically n went to see the doc. cute doc, expensive medicine with prescriptions i would have given myself. at least i know im not going mute.

all's good anyway and i love my life.

i feel so unloved.

i had to cancel two tuition in the morning n while i waited to feel better, the two students with whom ive arrange tuition in the afternoon called to cancel. great! at least i dont have to feel worse about fallin sick.

but what's really, really, really bad is that i have to scream to make myself heard. and even then, people can my words dramatically wrong.

i feel terrible.

slept around 1030pm last night..which is quite a record for me. my head was heavy and my world was spinning. yet i hung the clothes up to dry. woke up around 1230am cos i couldnt take the pain. got two tablets from my sis n downed it with water. woke up the whole night in intervals of two hours. and when i woke up this morning my fever went down by 1.2degrees. left with the slightest of fevers.

and i got the following ripped off from turqoise's blog.

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't? You prefer a quirky, unique person to be your lover. You're easy going about who you're with, as long as they love you back. In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm. Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

You Are The Hanging Man

You represent the seeking of enlightenment and spiritual clarity. You tend to confuse others, but your oddities seem deeply satisfying. Self sacrifice is easy for you, especially if it makes you a better person in the end. You are the type of person who is very in touch with your soul and inner spirit. Your fortune: Right now is a good time for reflection and meditation. You should stop resisting the problems in your life, and let yourself be vulnerable to them. You may need to sacrifice something important to you to move ahead in your life. Accept your destiny with courage, and learn to let go of what you think you need.

What Tarot Card Are You?

the tarot card one is amazing! i doubted it cos it was just a name entering thing..but omg. it says exactly what ive been tattooing on myself. in order not to forget. cool.

ive run out of ribena.

i sounded so evil in the prev post. but really. i might still be able to smile at you after you empty a bucket of shit over me but not when you do it to people i respect and/or love. especially when i think you're just a piece of what's in the bucket itself. now i sound bitchy.

I GOT BLAAZE'S AUTOGRAPH! hahah. my fave rapper. who doesnt cut albums n only does live concerts. but heard he did an mtv with coco lee. HE BEAMED AT ME!

anyway, i bumped into the barricade and got myself this portruding blueblack the size of a fist. the fist of a baby. i cant figure whether it's a good or a bad thing i dont own a camera. i would have taken a picture WITH Blaaze and one of the blueblack - which wouldnt exactly make me the most popular girl.

maybe ive been pre-menstrual thats why ive been experiencing bouts of reminiscence. but this sure doesnt feel like it. ive been happy for as long as i remember! no needy feeling. crushes are a given la.

i miss ayda and fir!

and ive run out of ribena.

one rotten relationship does not entitle you to this.

i hope karma comes soon for you.

happenings.

started 'work' last evening, and this interesting episode happened:
to stall time while the band gets ready for the next number, the lead singer entertained the crowd. without thinking, he said, "come back again tomorrow, i'll give you one of the girls (meaning one of the dancers)." and the crowd cheered. the dancers were stretching by the side of the stage (full dress rehearsal) and didnt respond to the announcement. i thought the patriarchial element was rooted in their culture.. but minutes later, i witnessed the confrontation between a dancer n another guy, furiously pointing to the stage and the crowd, muttering angry words albeit softly offstage. and the message was conveyed to the lead singer, who apologised furiously to the crowd for what he said before.

i guess these slighting comments never apply to guys because they're not so wanted. or, so not wanted.

---

so many events of the past have come back to me recently. its amazing how things change, how feelings change. what does "the one" mean to you? have you found a concretization for it? what does rejection mean to you? how do you reject someone - by assuming you know whats good for the person? i find certain things amusing simply cos ive been through it and the actions so obviously convey your intentions. and i find myself amusing cos i used to keep falling for the same old traditional tricks - those that make use of people's trust in you. and i know a master of such tricks. let me recall some of the tricks.

crash course to trickery 1101.
1. establish yourself as putting up a strong front - and make it obvious that it is just a front.
2. appear to have been through turmoils in life, such that you are jaded and weak from the inside.
3. inform the victim that you have been most fortunate you feel most fortunate to have her/him.
4. begin to monopolise your right over victim, occasionally bringing jealousy into the pic.
5. act nonchalant at times so that it washes over the jealousy, making you look like you're trying not to care.

and there. you have succeeded in portraying yourself as a weak being trying to put on a brave front so noone sees it, struggling and needing your victim. this effectively creates a void in said victim, and arouses the innate want to care and look after people, at the same time feeding the need to feel needed. perfect.

oh and of course, the prerequisites for the course.
1. a poker face
2. a theatre company within yourself so you can act, set the mise-en-scene, control technical effects, stage manage and most importantly, direct your victim.

ashamed.

rather than say im inspired to change my blog layout, im ashamed. of the cobwebbed layout. and it's really out of sight out of mind when it comes to you, but gawd trust me its that bad when u come into sight! ur literary fluency and creativity. and the pangs of 'aieya wasted' that course thru my body when i recall how we parted years ago.

ahhhhhhh!

---

oh ya. of cos. i came to say im updating my blog layout! =)=)=)

let go. of needing.. jo.

it's so easy to do what i do -- but so tough to accept my actions. just as how it's so easy to say i'll let go of needing you but so difficult to remember it.

jo, stop obsessing over the tiniest addition to the profile -- well it aint that small an addition actually. maybe im masochistic in nature. "let go of needing. let go of needin."

woke up with a grunt n a bloated face, which gradually took the shape of a smile when there was a good morning message. i love a morning message - it gets my teeth ready for brushing. acts as a reminder that im waking up to yet another day filled with love for me, love abundant as the air we breathe in.

pack up yesterday's memories and lock them in your heart. create prettier ones for today and let not history stop you from living the future.

tried to see him in my fellows and well, i sure did better than i did before =). reacted to a challenge diplomatically -- no spite, no want. stoned and spaced out abit due to the lack of sleep, and tried to drink tonnes of water to refresh my system. a good scrub at the end of the day proved most efficient, with a nice body bath to soothe.

"are there not twelve hours in the day? if anyone walks in the day, he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world."

im incoherent again. just as i saw heels i liked but bought sweets.

goodnight world. =)
tomorrow.