reluctance.

life felt like it had never been better. i was living in pure bliss and joy and simplicity everyday. even with the token bad incidents i felt i was living the perfect life. and im reluctant to say it's over. it's almost as if the magic would go away once i start feeling upset. i thought it did go away for two days when i felt rotten for those few moments. but i realised, just, that the happiness and contentment that i feel stem from the belief in those feelings. i dont feel a lack, i dont feel the need. i just feel that things are perfect as they are. for the past few days, i felt that i wanted them to stay. to not progress or deteriorate..to remain perfect. it was my reluctance to let go of this feeling. but just as im typing this, ive come to accept that this reluctance is indeed the very root of the destruction.

was walking towards the mrt station from tuition just now when i saw rozy. my goodness me. it was a surprise for both of us. i joined she n valane for dinner, and i hope i wasnt a nuisance. lane said something that might just be right. i havent thought abt things that way though. whether it's a form of recipocration. she didnt put it this way, but this is the gist. ive been feeling so happy the past few days and i attributed the feeling to you. and for a few moments i wanted the happiness that you feel to come from me. i dont know if it's just because i feel totally useless when i cant do anything for pple who have made me feel better, or whether i want to return the 'favour'. i dont even know if there's a difference between the two. but i figure that it doesnt matter. as long as you are happy. isnt it?

"the problem is not his. it is mine. i just have to get past myself first before i can do something."