fuck you too.

i am totally speechless.

contradiction to my beliefs

i was reading spg today, and realised that i identify with some/most of the things she said. when it came to him.

to quote some:
1.
he's the funny, intelligent, somewhat geeky, athletic, non-socially retarded type of guy I've been looking for. Those, in that particular combination, I've realised, are rare. He's also stylish, very neat, loves cooking.

2.
I'm starting to get my shit together, learning more about love and life and how not to be a confused, selfish bitch, and meeting [people].
- the difference here is that i might be too late, while she's still happily trying with someone by her side.

3.
I still have moods that go up and down, and I'm still insecure about a lot of things, and simultaneously excited and afraid about the future.
- but why the hell am i taking it out on the people closest to me?

4.
But life's like that isn't it. I think it swings between states of happiness and fear, satisfaction and laziness, pride and insecurity. Only non living systems stay in the same state permanently, until they are programmed to fall apart. If you're alive, and not under the influence of pharmaceuticals that claim to make you well, you're going to have to feel all those things.
- i totally agree. it might help though, to have someone who's willing to stick by me.

the sad thing is... we haven't sat down and talked about agreeing to disagree, or compromising. it seems like that was never part of the deal. either you take it all the same way, or out you go. it makes me sad.

---

the past few nights alone gave me the time and space to think, and also freak myself out with my own imagination, but we'll save the latter for last.

what exactly is love made of? what is our love built upon?

do i love you because you are what you are, that you are intelligent, go-getting, independent, and totally trustworthy? that you grumble and complain but still give your best shot at loving the people around you? that you're non-committal to a certain extent but monogamous to me - exactly what i want. i get scared off by the men who are too serious too fast. (and yet i do the same to you).

or do i love you because i have given so much, and you make me feel appreciated, wanted and needed?

or do i love you because of the way you love me, that you make me feel like your queen, throwing tantrums and still get kisses in return, that you hug me so tight at the airport everytime i arrive in your land, that you spend time just looking at me in the car before you pass me the food and drink you've brought along for me, that you surprised me with a tennis racquet just because i said i wanted to pick it up, that you dressed up in a suit in the insanely hot and humid weather that you live in just to have a valentine's date over the webcam for a few minutes, after the huge fit i threw, or that you give me everything i want?

i dont know. in fact, i dont even know if we'll be able to continue loving each other more everyday for the fact that we've chanced upon each other in the most ridiculous way, made it happen, endeavoured to make it work across space and time, and held on to it with our dear lives.

our love is sweet, lustful, romantic, painful, insane and frightening all at the same time, just like many others'. will we hold on to it?

---

for the past two nights i've been having bad dreams revolving around you. the first night i dreamt that we went to this resort-like place. i went off to the toilet while you were checking into the room. just before the door closed two scantily-clad white women slipped into your room. i woke up cos i really needed the bathroom so i don't know if you'd chase them out or if you'd have a ball of a time. i was surprisingly calm.

the second night i dreamt that we had broken up without a word. that you had decided that we have ended, and you showed it by simply ignoring me. i probably got the message, but still pushed my luck. so we hooked up again at some beach, and started making out before you realised who i was and pushed me away. in a fit of disgust you grabbed the nearest girl next to you and started snogging her, leaving me sobbing and running away. i woke up disgruntled, not at what had happened, cos again i was surprising calm, but upset that it's the second night in a row.

---

on another note, i had a new registration yesterday, ate my first peanut buttercup mini from the gift pack, and spoke to andy, whom i've known for more than a year now, and who talks to me like i'm a female and not a being. like i have no identity. in stark contrast with you. it's weird how things around me reminds me of you all the time, and it's even more strange that i feel bliss and pain overwhelm me at the same time when it happens.

and i spoke with mark. everytime i speak with another guy who's keen i just get reminded of how effortless it is to speak with you. this blows.

my queen

the boy and the rose
Once a boy walked past a church and saw a beautiful rose bush. He took out a pair of scissors and gingerly cut off the prettiest rose from it. A priest walked out of the church and saw it and asked the boy, why do you cut the rose?" The buy answered, "I love the rose, so I cut it off." The priest smiled and nodded.
He went on to water the rose bush. The boy asked the priest, "why do you water the rose?" The priest answered, " I love the rose, so I water it."
After awhile, the boy understood and tried to bury the rose back in the bush. But the rose had died.

Noone told me it wasn't easy for the boy.