friends

i was talking to a friend yesterday
and another today about friends.

"my friends know they are substitutes for my gf"
"dont you have friends who get all busy with their partners?"

well, no. i don't.
ok wait. i think it just hit me.
yes, i do!
but that's only one, and i aint really close to her.

to me, friends are important people.
people whom u learn with,
people whom u learn from.
people who lend u shoulders to cry on,
people to whom u're willing to lend ur shoulder.
people who do the littlest but most meaningful things ever,
and people for whom u wanna do things.

so no, i can't understand
why some people treat their frens
the way they do.
im not exactly the nicest fren around,
but im not ready to cancel on my fren anytime for a partner-
unless something crops up.

but there must be something terribly wrong with me,
cos at least two groups of friends have left me.

the first impact hit me in the face,
when i visited friendster a few years ago,
and saw holiday trips of this group of people,
whom i thought would be the closest to my heart, ever.
they are still close,
but distant from me.
they have stopped trying to call me
away from my busy schedule.
i revisited friendster just now,
and the hurt remains.
another holiday trip.
i guess i didn't do enough.

the second group of friends..
i don't know.
i think i can't say they left me,
cos i don't really think they were ever with me.
with the exception of a few of them.
this group of friends,
knew them in my early teenage years,
but they never shared much of the big part of my life.
they shut themselves off from the reality of me,
and chose to see what they wanted to.
it's the 21st birthdays year this year.
no, they never failed to ask me to chip in
for each and every one of their birthdays.
no, i don't expect presents from them,
but none,
i repeat none,
of them bothered to msn/sms me.
it's more than a month past.
no "sorry i forgot, but i still care",
no "hey how're u doing?",
no "let's meet up".
i guess..they don't matter much.
but u know..
it makes me wonder about the superficiality of friendships.

i was telling a friend,
that maybe one day i remain me,
i'll never have a group of friends that will stay.

you know,
it still hurts that you left me.