of rife and strife.

so it's been bothering me for almost a week now, since saturday. the rife.

a pity; a shame. and for a long time, a puzzle. well, now that i kinda know what it's all about, it's almost over. this weird unpleasantry between a friend and i all boils down to my insecurity. which, of course, as usual, i refuse to admit. right from the first day i met her, i knew she was something. something which i probably was not, something which i probably wanted to be. more than anything else, something that she has, which i can never possibly have.

i've told this to less than five people in my life; and it'll probably stay that way. but i've this certain void in me. related images bring tears to my eyes and jealousy to my heart. something that's lost and gone forever but yet always by my side. noone can possibly understand the depth of which the image lives in my heart, not even i. and no, i refuse to think it a convenient excuse for all my wrongdoings.

anyway, the moment she joked about the relationship between her dad and her, it all became clear that it was a case of green. and relief flooded me like how happiness overwhelms. amazing grace. it's always good to be able to let go, especially of negative energy, stemming from unknown sources.

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i've been receiving countless cosmic messages. coming across things that inspire me; stumbling upon motivated accounts of human beings so closely associated to what i could have become or have the potential to achieve. such inspiring stories that bring shame to this sloth, but which also resembles a glimmer of hope.

it's strange how i usually struggle for things to say but words flow from the tips of my fingers without hesitance today. maybe it's the aftermath of the Dead Poets Society catharsis. before which i havent released the pent-up energy in me for months on end. bawling is healthy.

and i guess i cant help being absolutely incoherent and mercilessly unintelligible when thoughts run from my heart to my brain and right to my finger tips. blogging has always been a form of masturbation, albeit also exhibitionism.

and you know what follows -- sleep.