independence.

i wanted to go for a walk up bukit timah last sunday, but on saturday night my friend cancelled on me. i was rather upset, but i guess it was okay, since we decided to postpone it to the following monday (a few hours from now), and i made up for it by spending the entire day with zhen.

so for the past few days, i couldnt stop thinking about the trip that's happening tomorrow. cos i need some fresh air and a nice walk. but i made a huge mistake. because all the gofs were gonna turn up, i conveniently suggested a throw-in bday meal. something was bugging me at the back of my mind, so i sent out some confirmation texts earlier on, and i got negative replies. i came back from my jog, returned aud's call, and saw zhen's note. i was too confused from the sudden disinterest - i should have noticed the lack of it right from the beginning. it had always been to accommodate me.

i talked to jc, and ranted. that poor guy. i told him i was in a "talk to me like im queen or go away" mood, and he accommodated. i said that i recognised the mistake on my part, and that maybe i should just go on the walk myself if i wanted it so much. so he helped me out with the research and all. such a sweet guy. but i had to flare up at him over something tiny. i wanted to hold a map in my hands and doodle on it, and was wondering if there was gonna be one at the visitor centre. he got the idea that i wanted the map so i wont get lost and kept affirming that there's no way i can lose my bearings there. i just wanted it, and i didnt say anything about getting lost there. whatever the case, im bloody going alone and i just wanted a map. whoever cares whatever it's for? but anyway, i still feel really bad about flaring up at him over such a small thing. im sorry, jc. not like you'll be reading this, but it makes me feel better.

anyway, over the course of ranting, i discovered something. WWDD? she probably wouldnt hide the fact that she's upset, and then her friends will give in, and it'll never happen to her again. i get cancelled on so often cos i allow people to do it to me. i let them. but this is me. i grew up having people tell me that everything won't go my way, and i will never be able to make things happen for me. that i just have to learn to accept them and acclimatise. that is where our difference lies. i havent been brought up to be queen, and i dont do things to encourage people to pamper me.

like i told jc, maybe i'll wake up dropping the idea of the walk. very probable.