unwarranted decisions

i sprayed half a can of baygon
on a huge cockroach with one ultra long feeler.
it ran all over the toilet,
i almost thought baygon to it was like alcohol to me-
makes me high, bubbly, n go nowhere.
but anyway,
it finally decided to run to the 'drain' part to die.
half a can of baygon! gawd.
what a waste.
ok how come i dont sound remorseful after having taken a life?
i am actually, to a certain extent.
cos i'm not as fine now as i may seem to be!
i feel like a dying cockroach now when i step inside the toilet.
half a can of baygon!
i repeat.

anyway,
i was thinking just a few days ago,
that nothing in my life works both ways.
i think it still holds true,
just that some of these events
which i classify under the
'it's-not-working-both-ways' category,
actually belong to another category.
at this point in time,
i should make myself clear-
i know you might think not all things belong to categories,
but honey,
when you step outta one category,
you basically just step into another.
say u tell me
u're not gay or straight
and refuse to be uncategorised,
you're basically in the 'uncategorised' category.
aren't u?
oh nono honey,
you dont have to agree with me on that =]
and you're welcome to refute it,
it's my opinion,
but i'd love to hear urs too.
oh, how i digress.
back to the point,
half a can of baygon!
ok that was so not funny.

so the other category i was talking about,
is the 'unnecessary actions' category.
it just dawned on me
that most, if not all, of the time,
i do unnecessary and unwarranted things
and when they are not returned i feel confused
and sometimes a little hurt.
but of cos i realise pple are not obliged to return.
like for example,
you offer information to your fren,
information like whether you have eaten for the day,
or whatever unwarranted information,
that you have thought would make the person feel safer.
but the person does nothing of the sort to you at all.
get the picture?
if not, it's ok.
cos i'm basically just ranting.
anyway,
i've done it so much it's become natural.
to try make pple feel secure with me,
that they've got nothing to worry about, etc.
and im so aware of the negative consequences.
i do it so much,
that pple take for granted i'll keep doing it.
when i try not to do it,
pple think i don't care anymore.
but even when i try,
i cant stop doing it for a long time.
that's just me.
i dun like being insecure,
so i try my best to make pple feel secure.
and i assure u,
i'm confident i m able to make pple feel secure,
if i dun make a conscious effort not to.
but when will my feelings stop being trampled on?