the child and the merry-go-round

when i was little, i lived near an amusement park. as most children do, i had a particular station that i went to the most. every night after the amusement park is closed, i would sneak inside and run to the merry-go-round with all the pretty horses. even in the darkness, i wasn't scared beside the horses. weird, but i felt a kind of connection. i would tell the horses my deepest fear and darkest secrets.

my friends loved to go to the amusement park. almost every weekend, we would visit it once. i remember in the earlier visits, we would all ride on the horses together, but as we went more often, we grew out of it. and i dont ride on it either. "jamie, do you want to ride that horse? you could just go ahead." "no! i dont even like it. it's childish." i stopped going every night. there came a time i stopped going altogether. but i would always return after a short time.

once, my family decided to go to the amusement park together, with all my little cousins. "jamie jamie, is the merry-go-round fun?" little beatrice asked. "yes bea, it's loads of fun. just go ahead, i'll wait for you here." my mother smiled at me and said, "why don't you go on and ride the horses with beatrice? i've seen you looking at it. i know you're still a child at heart." "looking at it doesn't mean i like it ok? you can't just jump to conclusions like that. even if i do like it, it doesnt mean im childish. maybe i'll just go and sit and be a kid, whatever."

i stopped going to the horses again. for a week. the following week, the amusement park was closed down, and the notice indicated that it would be torn down. only then, i realised it had been a long time since i rode it while it could move in the day. and i won't have the chance again.